After a conversation with a close friend the other day I made the decision to tell my story to the world in the hope that maybe one person might find some strength in it, and see some light in the darkness. I had been having one of my bad days and had called on her for a chat, expressing the way I felt and looking for her advice. This is something I never used to do and the benefits of this simple act were almost instantaneous as it seems to be time after time. My bad days have become more and more infrequent, and my ability to talk openly about my feelings and struggles has grown and become easier the more I do it. By learning this simple skill, and other means of coping, my life has turned around in immeasurable ways. I want to tell my story in the most honest and raw way that I can, for I have learnt that vulnerability is a strength not a weakness. I attempt to write in a way that tells of facts and not built of excuses for things that I did.

I woke up one morning sweating, my heart was pounding, my fingers trembled, and I felt nauseous. I couldn’t understand why but my first thought was of the nearly empty bottle of gin sat on my bedside table. I rolled over and grabbed the bottle, a sense of relief already flooding my body, as I realised I could weather the storm with minimal effort at this moment. I took a sip of the gin, straight, and felt the burning sensation as it travelled down my throat, I felt my body warm, and I could hold my hands with minimal shaking. My heart rate slowed and the chaos in my mind quietened. The time was about 10 am.

This had been my morning routine for many months now, day after day I awoke and turned to a bottle in an attempt to live what I viewed at the time as a ‘normal life’. I would later see how delusional and wrong I was.

Looking back on my childhood and the majority of my teenage years now I realise how lucky I was, how blessed I had been to grow up in a loving family, where I was cared for, experienced laughter and happiness, and never had to struggle for things that seem a luxury to many others. I was always fed, taken on holiday, given money when I asked for it, i was privileged in fact.

My early years were difficult and I am fortunate not too remember many of the things that happened. My biological parents had the disease of addiction and were so unwell that they were unable to look after me. For a time as a teenager I was resentful towards them believing that they chose to be poor parents, didn’t love me, and couldn’t be bothered to look after me. I hated them in fact and blamed many of my issues on them, thinking I was justified in acting up because of the way I had spent the first few years of my life. I now see how wrong I was and understand the pain that they suffered on a daily basis, for they had no choice but to drink and use drugs. They suffered from addiction and were robbed of their freedom. This view will seem controversial to others and I understand why, however I have experienced the pain of this illness first hand. I feel compassion towards them, and all who suffer from addiction, and I feel proud of those who fight to beat it. I know that these people loved me and I also know that their addiction took away their ability to express this love, and I no longer bear ill feeling towards them for this. I pray for them to find peace now.

I was hardworking throughout primary school and secondary school, I was a clever kid, and dedicated to my work. I achieved good results during school, I enjoyed playing football and exercise, I had many friends and enjoyed socialising.

Things began to change for me however during the 4th year of secondary school. I started to struggle waking up in the mornings, I began to feel anxious on social situations, things that interested me became a struggle for me. I felt that I was waking up and being suffocated by a black cloud that I was unable to shake. I could not understand why I was feeling this way and this frustrated me, my soul felt empty and I felt as if the fire that burned in my heart had gone out. I started to self harm and would only wear hoodies so my arms were covered. I was exhausted all the time and no amount of sleep would compensate for this.

My mother, being the loving, caring, and dedicated woman that she is, supported me immensely through this time, taking me to the doctors where I was diagnosed with depression and given anti depressants for the first time. Little did I know that this was just the beginning of my journey.

Unfortunately the anti depressants sent me into mania and full blown psychosis and I became quite seriously unwell. I believed that I was being followed by people, I saw people that weren’t there, and heard voices instructing me to hurt myself, which I did with increasing frequency. I wasn’t sleeping at night due to the paranoia and hallucinations and spent a lot of time off school. I wasn’t getting any better and things were difficult for my family with the situation becoming unmanageable at home. It was around this time that I had my first stay in a young persons psychiatric hospital a couple of hours away from home. I was scared and had no idea what to expect. My medication was changed whilst I was in hospital and I attended therapy, and had schooling in the morning. I was looked after by professionals full of love and dedication to the work that they did and I began to feel more human. I met other young people who felt similar to how I did and I was able to relate to them, and we supported each other when times were difficult. After a couple of months I became stable again and was well enough to go back home. I began to go back to school and started to spend time with my friends again, trying to get back to normality. My mental health was stable for a while, yet I still struggled with anxiety which made things difficult in social situations. After some months I began to experience another period of instability with similar symptoms to those exhibited in the last episode. Back I went to the hospital for another couple of months, where my medication was changed and attended more therapy, met more young people like myself, and connected with people who related to me. Again I stabilised and returned home.

My mental health was to be like this for the next few years, with periods of stability, and periods of instability. I attend sixth form a year behind, but had fun and learnt a lot, which I always loved to do. I made new friends and fell in love, like any other young man will do. On the outside my life appeared normal and content however internally I couldn’t shake the feeling of despair and sadness that plagued me for years. I look back on these years and recognise times full of happiness and joy, with memories I shall cherish for life. However I also remember pain, and hopelessness, a darkness that tore scars into my soul.

I left sixth form after two years and started work full time in care which I enjoyed. I bought a car, took holidays, had days out and partied. I lived the life of any other normal 18 year old. After a while I changed jobs and became a salesperson, something that I enjoyed as well and was good at. I worked hard like usual and made money, I treated people I loved and had everything I ever wanted. Yet I still couldn’t divorce myself from the harrowing feeling of melancholy that stalked me day and night.

I craved a way to escape from these feelings and started smoking weed on the weekends, and drinking to excess some nights. I was able to forget my sadness, and my anxiety became extinct, my head became quiet and my thoughts slowed down. However I was unaware of the dangers that could come from these behaviours. My mental health became worse and worse over time, and my self harm became more serious. I no longer wanted to live as the pain of the depression had become overwhelming. I had taken a few overdoses in the past in the hope that I might go to sleep and never wake up. Not serious suicide attempts looking back now, but searching for ways to escape from the pain that weighed down my heart from day to day.

I then hit a rock bottom so low that I genuinely wanted to die, i was drinking more regularly, taking drugs to try and escape and was tired of being alive. I could see no hope and and a very serious suicide attempt followed where I ended up in critical care in a serious condition. I recovered from this and spent more time in hospital, my medication was changed and again I became more stable.

I was no longer living at home and was unable to work because of my health. I had a quiet few months where I didn’t drink or smoke any cannabis and felt slightly better for awhile. The black cloud that had followed me for years returned again and I began to binge drink, and smoke weed to try and escape from the way that I felt. I was self harming again, and barely left the house. The curtains were closed all day and I no longer socialised with friends, I no longer saw my family regularly and was cut off from the rest of the world. My drinking was increasing daily as was my self harm and I could see no way out, I could see no hope and I was convinced the darkness would never be replaced with light. My heart hurt and my soul weeped. I had started to smoke excessive amounts of weed and was spending all of my money on it. I was engaging in things that I shouldn’t have been doing and hurting people in my life who had only ever cared for me and loved me. I began to move places regularly and continued to drink daily in an attempt to numb any kind of feeling that my heart felt. I was deeply sad and felt utterly hopeless and was using alcohol as a way to try and block out these painful feelings.

I was unaware but because I had been drinking like this for a time it meant I could no longer stop, I no longer had a choice whether or not I drunk, I had become powerless over my addiction and was in deeper than I knew. This brings us back to the beginning of this story, I was now drinking from the moment I woke up, to the moment I went to sleep and had become very unwell both mentally and physically. I had lost a lot of weight and looked gaunt, I neglected myself and no longer cared for my appearance. I was becoming more and more unwell and any hope I previously held on recovering was gone.

An incident then occurred which required me to move back to the town I grew up in and I was given a chance to seek help. I was sick of living the life I had lived for so long and I could no longer go on hurting myself and those that I loved. I made a phone call to the drug and alcohol service that I believe changed my life. I was seen within a week and blessed with a recovery worker who never judge me and only sought to help me. I started to be honest with someone, something I had not done for years, and I worked hard every single day to reduce the amount I was drinking. I saw my worker every week, sometimes twice a week. I told them parts of my life I had never talked about before, I spoke of trauma I had suffered, I told them of the pain that I felt daily, I discussed things I had done which I was not proud of. Through all this time I felt as though I was not only listened to, but heard. And I was told that I suffered from an illness, the illness of addiction, and that although in that moment I had no choice but to drink, I had a chance to recover if I was dedicated to achieving change and working hard on myself.

Because of my clear commitment to getting sober I was eventually offered the chance to go into rehab for 3 months, which turned out to be one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands and although I had to wait a while to get there, on the 9th of January 2019 I was admitted. A day which changed my life forever. I was detoxed from alcohol and had daily therapy and group therapy. I began to learn meditation and practice yoga and tai chi. Slowly but surely my mind began to clear and I began to feel more relaxed. I worked on myself tirelessly everyday for these months began to see benefits very quickly. I put on weight, my anxiety lessened, and I began to gain some self respect. I was honest with the therapists and faced up to the bad decisions I had made. I learnt how to express my emotions and I learnt how to cry without feeling bad for this. I learnt how to listen to other people who told me when I was wrong and I became willing to make amends for my mistakes.

Whilst in rehab I started to attend support meetings with people who had similar issues to myself, I was able to relate to these people and they shared about their experiences and feelings openly, and I learnt how to do the same. I no longer felt ashamed of my illness, I felt accepted for who I am and I learnt how to love myself.

Since leaving in April I have continued to be sober and clean and have 8 months sobriety now. I eat healthily and regularly go to the gym, I meditate to calm my mind and have done charity work to help others. I still regularly attend the support groups and help to support other people recovering from addiction. I start an access to higher education course in September in the hope to go to university next year, something I feel immensely proud of. I have rebuilt some bridges with my family and developed healthy friendships with many other people. I am able to support my friends and family in times of hardship and I am trusted now. I pride myself on being honest and my ability to talk about my feelings, something I see as a massive strength. I have learnt to love myself and recognise both my strengths and weaknesses. I am kind and caring, I am empathetic towards others, and I look to understand someone instead of judging them. I still feel anxiety and get irritable with people too quickly, I still overthink many things and sometimes expect the worst, yet instead of staying in bed drowning in self pity, today I get up and connect with other humans, and look to love and laugh daily.

I learn about myself on a daily basis and am still working on bettering myself. I have found myself to be a quiet person, who enjoys reading and writing and art and exercising for my mental health. I feel a lot more comfortable with myself these days but above all I feel proud of the change I have achieved and the work I have put into myself. If I can turn my life around I firmly believe that anyone can, and I hope that someone will find strength in my story. There is always hope, even when it seems not so.

The light can always replace the darkness in our lives

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