I’m gonna be what I want

Stuck in a place of self hatred, depression, anxiety and deep rooted sadness, I saw no way out. My life had been a vicious whirlwind of destructive behaviour, self harm and pain. I hurt myself and all those around me. And I come to realise now that I simply despised myself, I didn’t like myself let alone love myself. I’d spent years trying to mould myself into the person that I believed society wanted me to be, and it was horrifically painful, it was incredibly tiring and sapped all the life out of me. I was obsessed with my image from the clothes that I wore, to the way I styled my hair. My hair was cut in line with the latest style, my clothes were branded and fitted the ‘in season’ trend, I listened to music that everyone around me listened too (even when I hated it). I would go far as too describe myself as a chameleon.

In reality I was just searching for acceptance, validation and love. I believed I could find these things from others by sculpting myself into someone I thought would be lovable. Friendships and relationships broke down simply because they were based on surfaces and appearances. I looked at others in a shallow way, I believed that people who looked like me or behaved like me were people who I could build deep meaningful relationships with. I judged people purely on benchmarks that I had set for myself. My life was miserable, and I was miserable.

I had started to fix my feelings, using chemicals to drown out the thoughts that whirled through my head, I damped my emotions to the point I no felt anymore, I used money as a way of trying to connect with others, material things were of upmost importance to me and I thought people would like me if I showered them with gifts. I genuinely had little idea of what made a true friend and I was unable to maintain any kind of relationship.

Having reached a point in my life where I no longer wanted to be around anymore I had had enough. I made a conscious decision to change my life for the better and I was prepared to do whatever it took to start again. I spent hours dealing with my issues, talking to someone about the state that my head was in, learning how to express my emotions in a healthy way. I stopped fixing my feelings with chemicals and start to deal with them in a mature manner. I was incredibly motivated to fulfil the potential that I have always held, and I was desperate to be the man I knew that deep down I really was.

Gradually over time my thought process began to change and I found that the more I expressed how I was truly feeling, the less anxiety I felt. The fog in my mind began to clear, and my mood began to lift. I learnt ways to meditate through mindfulness when I felt agitated, my eating started to become healthy and I rediscovered things that I genuinely loved. I started to read again, I began to write again, I used gym when I wanted too, I went walking when the sun was out, I started to draw and express myself through art again. I was doing things that I loved for me, and not for anyone else.

I found in the months that followed, my confidence grew, I felt a sense of peace, I found myself smiling and laughing on a daily basis. When I met new people I would make a concerted effort not to judge, but to get to know the person as they really are, and look further than their surface. I began to develop friendships with people of all ages, from all walks of life, friendships that blossomed, that continue to grow on a daily basis. I understood now, what it means to be a true friend to someone.

As this happened I found that I liked myself a little more each and every day, I was now dressing exactly how I wanted too, my appearance became less important to me. When I bought clothes it was because I liked them, and when I changed my hair style I did it for myself. I found myself to be comfortable in my own skin and it was as though a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt genuine happiness, the sun was shining again.

I understand what it is like to be in pain, and I know how sad it is to hate yourself. I empathise with those who feel that they have to conform with society, I feel the struggle of those who do not know who they are.

But I am also an example of someone who has come from a place of darkness, and is now living in a place of feeling peace, and love. For those who struggle, I say do not give up, it is never too late to change your life for the better, it is 100% possible to love yourself.

I had fallen in love with life again.

I live my life, and do not merely survive.

There is always light, even it seems not so x